The Rob Kristjansson Radio Network

KRISTJANSSON WISHES "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TO FB FRIEND

WINNIPEG - The coolest guy you'll ever know announced in a brief press release today that he wished his Facebook friend Stephen D. Huggins a "hearty happy birthday" along with a "heartfelt wish" that Huggins would enjoy many more birthdays to come.

Kristjansson publicist Daniel Cormier commented that Huggins only knows Kristjansson through the quality news reporting of the Rob Kristjansson News Service seen only on RKRN, but that "although Rob has never actually met the man, [Stephen] must be pretty cool in his own right, given they're Facebook friends and all."

Cormier explained that Kristjansson was unavailable to comment personally as he was at the world-famous Spa at Landmark for "a much needed period of rest and rejuvenation."

The Rob Kristjansson News Service

BREAKING NEWS (VIDEO): KRISTJANSSON ANNOUNCES PLANET-WIDE SEARCH

Kristjansson "Movie Wife" Press Conference July 29, 2009 from Robert A Kristjansson on Vimeo.

HAS MOVIE WIFE ABANDONED HIM, TOO? KRISTJANSSON ATTENDS HP6 PREMIERE ALONE

WINNIPEG -This question is on the minds of many after unconfirmed reports surfaced that the coolest guy this writer will ever know attended the recent premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince without his long-time movie companion Catharine Johannson. These reports gained credibility when Kristjansson confidante Marc Laberge went public with allegations that Kristjansson was now forcing his pretentious movie opinions on him, a burden formerly carried only by Ms. Johannson.

Kristjansson in happier times?

"Listen, Rob's my buddy 'n' all, but I really don't give a damn if he thinks [Half-Blood Prince Director Gary] Yates is 'the most mediocre in a long line of mediocre Harry Potter directors,'" Laberge said, "nor do I have any interest in getting into a debate on whether or not the books are 'filmic' enough for adaptation. Who would?" When asked if Kristjansson was going to expect his admission refunded from the Brit filmmaker, Laberge replied, "How should I know? When [Kristjansson] starts going on about 'cinema' I glaze over. The question you should be asking is where the hell is Catharine? I hear she actually likes talking about this crap!"

Was Johannson already planning to leave when this was taken?

Kristjansson publicist Daniel Cormier vociferously denied both these reports and Laberge's allegations, stating that "...nothing could be further from the truth! Why, just last night [Kristjansson and Johannson] saw the latest Star Trek at the Portage Place Imax, so I have no idea what [Laberge] is talking about." To which Laberge replied, "Whatever. All I know is that if Johannson really is dumping him, he better find another one who is willing to put up with that crap fast, because I am sure as [expletive deleted] not!"

The Rob Kristjansson News Service

HEALTH BRIEF: HEAD-COLD OVER, KRISTJANSSON CELEBRATES WITH MARATHON OF 30 ROCK, SOME HOUSEWORK

WINNIPEG - Waking up after a solid eight hours of sleep for the first time in over a week this Saturday, recent mouth-breather Rob Kristjansson celebrated the return of the almost forgotten ability to breathe through his own nostrils with an all day 30 ROCK marathon and a desultory amount of housework.

Citing the fact that he "couldn't very well watch" the third season internet downloads of the hit NBC sitcom while scrubbing out the oft-neglected bathroom toilet, Kristjansson commented "that Tina Fey is goddam brilliant"  as he half-ass washed eight days of filthy dishes while watching the one where the Tracy Jordan character - played by American thespian Tracy Morgan - has figured out that people with money can get away with whatever they want and proceeds to curse his way throughout the entire episode, including a very "raunchy" Martha Stewart show. "Comedy freaking gold!" Kristjansson was heard to exclaim as he left most of the dish-ware "to [needlessly] soak" while he returned to his famously over-priced folding chair and spent the rest of the day enjoying the zany antics of Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) Jack Doneghy (Alec Baldwin) in glamorous New York City, not to mention the episode where they both go to Liz Lemon's high school reunion in White Haven, Pennsylvania.

As of press time, it is unclear whether Kristjansson will address any of the much needed household chores this weekend, especially his bathroom, which is in desperate need of attention, or continue to loaf around watching other iTunes downloads while pretending to write his feature-length screenplay, Alex of East Kildonan.

The Rob Kristjansson Radio Network

BREAKING NEWS: CONCERT WIFE DUMPS KRISTJANSSON ON FACEBOOK?

WINNIPEG - Jennifer D., free concert fan and so-called "concert wife" to concert connection Rob Kristjansson, posted last night on Facebook that she wanted a divorce.

Citing as grounds that the coolest guy she'll ever know has now been to two major MTS Centre concerts - Berkeley-based punk trio Green Day and Asian pop sensation The Wonder Girls - without bringing her, Ms. D. claimed on his Facebook wall that she gave Kristjansson the "best years of my [free concert going] life," and when Kristjansson seem less than concerned in his reply comment, D. went further, stating she wanted a divorce and promising that he would "Laugh it up until [he sees] the support payments!"

Asian Pop sensation The Wonder Girls perform for sell-out crowd, a crowd which included Rob but not Jennifer.

In a phone interview early this morning, Kristjansson said he thought D. was "over-reacting," but that she'd "come around" in the end, once she understood the pressures he was under, "family-wise." Kristjansson explained that "I had to take my kid brother [Ryan] last night, and as for Asian pop sensation The Wonder Girls, well I never knew she was a fan, and I wouldn't have even gone, but my niece wanted to see the Jones Brothers, or maybe they were the Brothers Jim. Whatever, the kids seemed to be into them, and I got to see The Wonder Girls!" When asked about reports that he had first invited to the Green Day gig a disturbingly attractive political type from 505 Broadway, then an aspiring concert mistress going by the unlikely name of Jackie R., Kristjansson replied, "No comment."

The Rob Kristjansson News Service

Kristjansson “Stiffed” by Transformers Sequel, Date

WINNIPEG – Habitual moviegoer and sporadic dater Rob Kristjansson was equally disappointed by both Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Michael Bay's latest contribution to Dreamworks' Transformers franchise) and the young woman who had promised to join him for a drink after work yesterday.

Speaking with reporters outside the Silver City multiplex at Polo Park, Kristjansson described the film as a “two and a half hour waste of time” while reiterating his hollow threat to write a strongly worded e-mail demanding his money back from the director. When asked to review his drink date's vague last minute excuse about having to “work,” Kristjansson said he thought it was “pretty goddamn lame, too” and that he was “pretty much stiffed on both counts.”

But according to long-time Kristjansson watcher Catharine Johannson, Kristjansson was not entirely unsurprised by this turn of events. Johannson alleged that during a Tuesday night phone call he offered “to pay [Johannson] ten dollars if the woman actually went through with the date. He saved that dough, only to blow it on Bay's piece of crap. And really, what did he expect there? I read that guy could fuck up Thundercats.”

The Rob Kristjansson News Service

RKRN Launch Delay - Apparently, “There's This Girl”

WINNIPEG – In a hastily called press conference, RKRN spokesperson Rob Kristjansson announced that the network's upcoming premieres for the news/lifestyle/sports/entertainment/business video-magazine World of Rob, along with reali-sit comedy That Rob, have been delayed for “a couple of days. Tops a week or two!” When pressed by reporters for reasons for the delay, all Kristjansson would say was “there's this girl” as he rushed out of the conference with what appeared to be a partially sold book of raffle tickets benefiting the Gas Station Theatre.

In what has been characterized by several sources as a "desperate," "pathetic," and "pointless" attempt to impress, Kristjansson has spent the better part of his recent waking hours trying to sell these tickets for said girl. “I bought one myself,” said one well-placed Kristjansson watcher. “It's like having a front row seat for when this all blows up in [Kristjansson's] face!”

Editor's Note: At press time RKNS was unable to ascertain if the object of Kristjansson's affections knows who he is.

The Rob Kristjansson News Service

KRISTJANSSON LAUNCHES NETWORK WITH NEWS, SITCOM

WINNIPEG - In a move calculated to address the dearth of Kristjansson themed entertainment and news, Rob Kristjansson announced today he will launch the Rob Kristjansson Radio Network (rkrn.ca) as early as "this weekend, or maybe Monday or Tuesday."

The new network will premiere with two program offerings; WORLD OF ROB: NEWS & VIEWS, described by Kristjansson as a two-to-three minute version of 60 Minutes, "except it's all about me," and ROB, which will view his minor doings and goings on through a sitcom lens. When asked about critics views that Kristjansson's life was a sitcom already, and wouldn't it pretty much be a documentary, Kristjansson replied, "No comment."

Kristjansson also announced plans to to fill out the programming schedule with soap opera, drama, and police procedural versions of his life.

Rob Kristjansson News Service